Many Pinoys go abroad to chase a dream for their kids. But what happens while they’re gone? In this edition, The Filipino Times looks at the pitfalls of overseas parenting and what OFs do to mitigate these adverse impacts
DUBAI: The nagging question dogging most Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs), who have left their children behind, is whether their kids are doing fine in school and are safe, away from drugs and problems like unwanted pregnancy. Sociologists say OFWs try to resolve their guilt of being away by sending their kids anything money can buy and engaging them in regular chats via Skype and other internet conversation channels in what is called “global parenting.”
But spoiling the kids can have some ill-effects to it, while internet chat also has its limitations. So how are they coping up? Social Welfare Attache Isabel Sy Nillas of the Philippine Embassy in Abu Dhabi said the best way for parents to go through this tight squeeze is to “prepare their children to understand na nag-abroad sila for their future. (That they went to work abroad for their future.)”
“Ilang mga magulang walang kontak sa mga anak. Kuntento na lang sa pagpapadala ng pera. Kanino iniwan ang bata? Iniwan lang ba sa helper o kay lola?” she told The Filipino Times. Nillas, who has been a social worker all her life, said parents“should take preventive measures, a pro-active stance and think of ways to ensure that yung perang pinaghirapan nila ay di nasasayang (the money they’ve worked hard for is not wasted).”
For instance, she said, parents should go the extra mile and themselves check with school authorities whether money they sent for tuition was actually spent for the purpose and if their kids are doing well in class. “Parents have to make sure that their children understand their responsibilities and role,” Nillas said. She said parents have no one else to blame but themselves if their children go wayward.
“Mabigat sa kalooban kasi kagagawan din nilang mga magulang. Ano ba ang measures na ginawa nila? Ano ba ang mga preparations na ginawa sa family…sa mga bata? Ano ang mga agreements? Ano ang means of communication? Ano ang regularity ng Skype?” Nillas said. She also said OFW-parents should ensure that they leave their children to someone they can trust.
“There should be somebody na pagkakatiwalaan na makapagbibigay ng guidance. Huwag iiwan sa mga kamaganak na may problema din sa mga anak nila. (Don’t leave children to relatives who themselves are having problems with their kids),” Nillas said.
Parents = Money?
Meanwhile, Prof. Melanie Reyes, in her working paper, “Migration and Filipino Children Left Behind: A Literature Review,” said the parents’ long period of absence gives their child a feeling of “permanence of absence,” “Children can only associate their parents with the money, gifts, and phone calls,” she said.
For her part, Dr. Chyrell-Lyn Torayno- Mananguite, a UAE-based medical professional, said the long years of experiencing the physical and emotional absence of their parents “can lead children to denial of obedience and discipline.” Those in the older age group could resort to truancy, smoking, alcoholism, drug addiction, delinquency, and stealing if financially unsatisfied, Mananguite said. Drug addiction, said Dr. Ed Tolentino, former president of the Philippine Psychiatric Association (PPA), is, among others, a result of the “OFW phenomenon” that has exposed children to the vulnerabilities of growing up.
“Take time to find out what their problems and concerns are,” Tolentino said. Colin Davis, a retired UNICEF deputy country representative in the Philippines, in a paper he had presented at a forum in Manila, said that with the absence of parental care, the children resort to early relationships that often lead to premarital sex, unwanted pregnancies, drug abuse or drop out of school.
Techy Parenting
Mananguite on the other hand said advances in technology have provided a different level of intimacy. “Bonding is being established where the absence of parents is substituted by mobile phones, emails and videocams,” she said. But, she added, “Techy parenting can only develop when parents and children are together. This misses the larger part of guiding the children during their growing-up years and value formation,” Mananguite explained.
‘Dad, I’m pregnant’
Ferdz Bedana, professional photogtrapher, said he’ll always take the extra mile for his daughter, Amira (not her name), who had to stop college because she got pregnant. She lived with the guy’s parents but had to leave because things were not working out. “Di naging maayos ang pansamantala nilang pagsasama at umuwi na ang aking anak sa bahay ng kanyang ina. Mga ilang buwan din syang di nakapasok sa kolehiyo, at nung pumapasok na sya ng ilang bwan ay meron na naman syang nakilalang lalaki at nagkaroon na naman sya ng bagong karelasyon,” Bedana said
“Nawili ang aking anak sa bago nyang boyfriend. Sa panahong yun, nalaman namin na madalang na pala syang pumasok sa school at laging kasama ng kanyang BF. Nagbago ang aking anak.Natuto syang manigarilyo, uminom ng alak at yung pangtuition nya naubos ng walang pinuntuhan,” he added.
Bedana said Amira’s boyfriend was a bad influence. “Pati ang pag-uugali ng aking anak ay nagbago. Naging pala-sagot na sya sa amin. Pinahinto ko na sya sa pag-aaral at di na ko nagbigay ng pera para sa kanya,” Bedana went on to say. Came a time, he said, when Amira came to him and said she wanted to go back to college. Bedana said he wasted no time enrolling her again.
Amira is currently taking up a course in accounting technology. Her son is also going to school. Bedana said he learned about his daughter’s pregnancy through her Facebook page, where she posted pictures of her boyfriend. “Medyo kinabahan na ko at alam ko na ang susunod na istorya ay ang mabubuntis sya,” he said, adding that he later on called her up during which she said she’s pregnant.
Bedana said it hurt him to know what has happened to Amira. But instead of getting upset with her, “lalo ko pa syang binigyan ng lakas ng loob at magpatuloy sa buhay.” Bedana said he did not stoploving his daughter. To fellow parents going through the same ordeal, Bedana has this advice: “Wag tayong sumuko sa ating mga anak. Isuko natin sa Panginoon ang ating mga kahinaan upang palakasin nya tayo. Wala akong hinangad sa aking anak kundi ang kanyang magandang kinabukasan, dahil ang pangarap ko’y pangarap nya.”
Cool mom’s boy
Ma. Anna G. Lagman is her son’s best friend. “We regularly talk thru FB messenger. I am available for him 24/7,” said Lagman, referring to his son, 19-year-old Nozzeal, whom he left when he was 11. “I want him to feel that I’m always around for him,” she said.
“Sometimes, my parents would send me a Facebook message complaining about my son – ‘Yung anak mo hindi na naman umuwi… yung anak mo ang daming barkada na isinama sa bahay nag-inom, nagsususuka sila…yung anak mo naamoy ko naninigarilyo…yung anak mo may girlfriend na inuwi bumisita dito sa bahay…yung anak mo tanghali na gumigising kapag weekends di man lang tumulong sa mga gawaing bahay… yung anak mo magdamag gising sa kaka-computer,’” Lagman, an administrative assistant, said.
“I’d ask them to take it easy and that I’d talk to him,” she added. Lagman said she’d ask his son about the issues raised but in manner that would not sound that her parents and other relatives have been telling on him. Lagman said it touches her to know that her son has not been telling her how bad he feels about the distance between them, apparently to save her from being emotionally distraught about it.
“I can open his Facebook because he gave me his password. Not really meaning to invade his privacy but sometimes I’d stumble upon conversations he has been having with his friends where he would tell them he still feels alone after having fun talking to them,” Lagman said. She said mother and son are very open to each other. “I am a very cool mom. I feel that’s the least I could do for him,” she said.
Homework done via Skype
Nothing beats helping the kids on the other side of the globe with their homework.
“During weekends when I am at home and kids are at their home as well, we have the usual conversation and I ask them if they have assignments or projects. That’s where I try to help them. There was a time when my daughter needed to prepare a presentation.
I guided her on how to use the power point presentation,” Franz Ramirez-Angeles, who works at a multinational engineering company, said. Angeles has four kids all staying with their dad back home. Angeles said she has set up a group Whatsapp account “so I can send messages to all of them anytime, send uplifting quotes, and event links or articles that I wanted them to read.” Angeles said absentee parenting is among the sacrifices parents have to endure working abroad out of necessity.
“May kasabihan na ang nanay ay ang ilaw ng tahanan. Eh, kung wala ang ilaw, ano kaya ang hitsura ng tahanan? “What’s important is goals have to be set with the family. They have to agree that they will help each other to attain that goal. And while working abroad, there must be focus on the attainment of those goals,” Angeles said.
Raising their kids across the miles
Time was when overseas conversation was mainly done through voice-recorded cassette tapes that would arrive weeks later. Soon, phone cards became available, and (voila!) Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook, Yahoo webchat and so on came that made it possible to do unlimited conversation with loved ones back home. “Definitely, the communication channels help.
The only downside is that there is no physical touch. We can talk forever – if you will – like give them advice or share stories about our lives back here in Dubai and so on,” said Viva Jacquelyn B. Rusia, administrative assistant who lives in the city with her husband, Jou Anthony T. Rusia, also an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW).
The couple has two kids: 11-yearold Cassius Claye and four-year-old Cassandra Clayre. The kids are staying with Viva’s parents; Jou Anthony’s stay in touch with the kids as well. The couple said it’s sad to be away from the kids to guide them with struggles growing up. “But we ensure na kahit na malayo kami, they feel our presence through weekly Skype, daily calls and and by monitoring their social network activities,” they said.
The couple said they try to contribute as much as they can in nurturing traits and values of their kids with the help of their parents. “There will always be a missing piece but we try to make up for it by letting the kids understand why we have to work far away from them para di magkaroon ng galit and yung feeling na they are not important,” they said. Skype time is on weekends augmented with daily calls and whatsapp messages, the couple said.
