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‘Laban o paubaya?’: Love in the time of COVID-19 for OFWs

Filipino couples reflect on how their struggles during the COVID-19 pandemic either brought them closer or drifted them apart

In many parts of the world, stories of pandemic-induced separations, divorces, and break-ups are increasingly becoming common, and the relationships of married Filipinos in the UAE were not spared.

To understand this global trend, divorce inquiries in the United States, for example, jumped by 34% in 2020, according to statistics from Legal Templates. Of this number 20% were newlyweds. Meanwhile, the United Kingdom-based law firm Stewards also noted a 122% increase among couples inquiring about divorce proceedings.

Driven by financial instability and stress of the new normal, UAE-based Filipino couples told tales of how their relationships have fared during the novel coronavirus pandemic.  Most of them say the pandemic has reshaped their relationships in unprecedented ways because while many were forced to live closer together, their priorities (and hearts) grew apart.

One such scenario was the case of Dubai-based Filipino couple ‘Vanessa’, 29, and ‘Andy’, 31, who both got laid off. Vanessa recalled that at first, they tried to talk things out, but then she started seeing a pattern with their relationship where bickering happened almost daily, primarily due to financial disputes.

“Pareho kasi kaming na-layoff. Akala namin madali lang ‘to na kakayanin namin makahanap ng work agad. Umabot yun [walang trabaho] nang ilang buwan na walang tumatanggap. Start ng July, mainit na pareho ang ulo, eh. Kasi by that time, paubos na lahat ng ipon namin talaga. Tapos nung sumunod na buwan, hindi na kami makabayad ng flat. Yun, mas lalong gyera… Sisihan kung saan dinala ang pera. Bakit ganito, bakit ganyan,” said Vanessa, who furthered that even when they were already living together, half of their salaries still went to their respective families back home.

The couple’s misunderstanding blew out of proportion when they realized that their savings had almost run out – to the point that they weren’t able to pay for their accommodation.

“Parang hindi ko na siya kilala, sobrang layo ng ugali niya before siya mawalan ng work dito sa Dubai. Naiistress ako na halos araw-araw na lang kami mag-away, pati simpleng bagay parang nabo-blow out of proportion. Days would pass talagang matigas. Walang magpakumbaba,” recalled Vanessa.

The couple decided to part ways when Vanessa left their flat before Christmas after three years of marriage, adding that she hasn’t spoken to Andy since then. “COVID ended what we’ve built together. Pero hopeful pa rin naman ako. Palamig lang siguro muna kasi baka yun ang kailangan naming pareho.”

 

When financial problem means ‘paubaya’

Vanessa and Andy’s story is but one among many other Filipinos who have experienced struggles during the pandemic but were unable to cope. Dr. Paula Pietromonaco, Professor Emerita at the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst in the USA, stated that pandemic stresses do increase risks of harmful interactions among couples including hostility and withdrawal.

“Some couples don’t even know if they can stay in the place they live, or they’ve lost their job. They have to devote their resources to figuring out how to pay the rent and get food and take care of their children,” said Dr. Pietromonaco, who published a study on the American Psychologist titled “Applying Relationship Science to Evaluate How the COVID-19 Pandemic May Impact Couples’ Relationships”.

She suggested that financial crisis in the time of the COVID-19 pandemic could be assisted by methods that help them find ways to earn money through alternative means as they continue to look for jobs: “For those couples, we need policies that help support them – that give them money, job training, childcare and health care.”

 

Resounding ‘laban’ kabayan

On the other end of the spectrum, more UAE-based Filipino couples have found themselves in a better state with more quality time and frequent talks together with their partners especially since they both now spend more time at home.

Arnel and Japrille Fernandez, who have been married since 1996, said the secret to their relationship is their give-and-take communication. “Hindi namin tinatapos ang isang araw na may tampuhan o hindi pagkakaunawaan. Kahit sobrang kulit ko, ramdam naman namin na mahal na mahal namin ang isa’t isa. Importante na give and take and laging nag-co-communicate at gawin lagi ang mga bagay-bagay na nagpapasaya sa inyong dalawa,” said Japrille.

When Shareen and Azer Dimalanta started working in the UAE back in 2019, they found themselves having less time for each other with the stress and overtime they both spend at work. It all changed during the height of the pandemic and they try to maintain this status quo even now that they are back at work.

Shareen advised: “Overseas Filipinos tend to be workaholics and sometimes pay less attention and time to their partner. Regardless of how busy you are, make sure to fit in short or long dates with your partner—virtual dates work for long-distance relationships as well. It doesn’t necessarily need to be extravagant, it can be for free or minimal cost, as long as you have quality time together.”

It’s exactly what Filipino couple Myra and Jonathan Francisco try to achieve. “Dito kami ikinasal sa UAE at sa loob ng 9 years na pagsasama, hindi man kami na-bless pa na magka-anak ay mas marami kaming oras sa isa’t-isa. Di kami nauubusan ng kwento sa bawat araw sa mga experiences namin sa mga taong na-encounter namin every day. At maganda man o pangit ang aming na-experience sa araw-araw ay ginagawa naming guide for improvement naming sa aming buhay,” said Myra.

For Joannice and Victor Medina, the key to having a strong relationship amid life struggles posed by the pandemic is trust. “Normal sa buhay mag-asawa na magkaroon ng iba’t ibang problema, pero natutunan naming sa isa’t isa na kaya naming malampasan ito sa tulong ng biyaya na galing sa pagsisikap. We stay strong because of God and we always surrender our worries to Him,” said Joannice.

COVID made us stronger

 

ArnelJaprille 1
“Ang maipapayo lang namin sa mga mag-asawang nagkakaproblema: Kung sa pera ang problema – baguhin ang lifestyle. Umiwas sa shopping, bawasan ang pagkain sa labas at kung kaya, wag mag credit card or kung nandyan na ay dapat bayaran agad ang credit card nang di ka mabaon ng todo sa kakatubo. Wag kakalimutang isama lagi ang Diyos sa araw-araw na buhay at manalangin lagi,”
– Japrille and Arnel Fernandez, married since 1996

 

Myra 1
“Nagkaroon kami ng salary reductions dahil naapektuhan ang business kung saan kami nagta-trabaho. Pero gayunpaman, natutunan namin na gumawa ng paraan na magkaron pa ng ibang income aside sa mga salaries. Sa kabila ng mga challenges na iyon ay hindi pa rin kami nakalimot magpadala sa Pilipinas para tumulong sa mga magulang namin. Importante talaga ang pagdarasal at paghingi ng guidance kay Lord na pag tibayin ang aming relasyon sa gitna ng pandemic.”
– Myra and Jonathan Francisco, married since 2012
AcerRain 4 e1618462896518
“We remained optimistic and looked at the brighter side, which is facing the pandemic together. Instead of being financially stressed and worried, we have learned to adapt and continue to live within our means. Above all, we have grown spiritually as a couple.”
– Shareen and Azer Dimalanta, married since 2016
joannice 1 e1618462929520
“Matutong gamitin ang mga biyayang natatanggap sa tama at saktong pamamaraan. Hindi dapat mawalan ng pagasa sa mga pagsubok na dumadating sa mga mag-aasawa. Meron tayong Diyos na laging nandiyan para gabayan tayo.”
– Joannice and Victor Medina, married since 2016

Tips to maintain a healthy relationship during COVID-19 pandemic

The coronavirus pandemic gave an entirely new perspective on spending time with your special someone as parts of the world have implemented or are still implementing particular movement restrictions. These have forced spouses and families to spend more time together than ever. However, when things may get a bit too close for comfort, here are several simple, yet meaningful steps advised by the Mental Health Foundation in the UK on how you can keep the love alive while minimizing conflicts with your partner.

Be mentally present. These days, even if you’re physically present at home – your partner might not get that quality attention from you due to distractions such as your mobile phone, social media, work, and more. This is the time for both of you to talk more and be there for each other by paying attention to the people that matter the most to you.

Learn to listen. Of course, you don’t always have to be the talker in charge of all the stories. One important key to effective communication with your partner is learning to listen intently, and not just listening to answer and put your two cents in immediately.

Give time and be more understanding. For couples who have been used to being separated for hours or days due to work schedules, the COVID-19 pandemic gave them an unprecedented opportunity to reconnect. However, this might be the time when they notice particular behavior they might not have seen before. It’s important to understand and be open to your partner so that they are aware of these habits that might put a strain later on if not addressed immediately.

Staff Report

The Filipino Times is the chronicler of stories for, of and by Filipinos all over the world, reaching more than 236 countries in readership. Any interesting story to share? Email us at [email protected]

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