Most people believe it’s easy to follow the virtue of forgiveness, unless infidelity enters the picture. Cheating is probably the single biggest reason for break-ups in most relationships. This is because for many, it’s not just the trust that gets broken—one’s confidence and self-esteem go down the drain too. You begin to question your worth, your looks, your personality, and ask yourself what’s wrong with you that made someone you love the most betray you like that.
In a straw poll by The Filipino Times, through its segment “Tanong Ng Bayan,” around 77 percent of Filipino netizens said that a cheater deserves no second chance, because there is a likelihood that it will happen again.
According to netizen Yushufieyah Bernardo, it’s best to cut ties the first time infidelity happens so you can save yourself the trouble. “Putulin na! Kung paulit-ulit ginagawa, habang buhay maramdaman ang sakit na ginawa niya!” she said.
Len Signio Panganiban, another participant in the poll, agreed, saying that that just like a mirror, a trust can never be fixed once broken.
“Huwag na bigyan ng second chance. Para ano? Para ulitin ulit? Para lang salamin ‘yan, kapag nabasag or may pilat na, idikit mo man, hindi na maibabalik sa dati,” she said.
Netizen Claire Go, for her part, said that she will forgive but she will no longer give the partner a second chance. She believes unfaithfulness is a big red flag, and that a broken trust can never be repaired. “[If my partner cheats,] patatawarin ko pa din siya but I will no longer give him a second chance. I will let go and let God,” she said.
American clinical and forensic psychologist Stephen Diamond, Ph.D. said in his article on online media platform Psychology Today, said that trust cannot and should not just be freely given again after infidelity—adding that once the partner cheats, trust becomes a privilege, not a right.
He added that one of the greatest obstacles of working out a relationship destroyed by cheating is rebuilding it.
“Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. Love alone is not enough. Commitment is all about trust. Once that pledge to commitment is broken, all bets are off. The fragile and sacred container or frame of the relationship has been violated. Without trust, intimacy suffers,” he said.
However, multi-award winning psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith Ph.D said infidelity is not necessary fatal to a relationship. In Psychology Today, he mentioned that with the right communication, therapy, and willingness, many couples get past it. “As strange as it may seem, in some cases, the healing process can actually make a relationship stronger,” he added.
There is a catch though. Goldsmith said that the one who cheated must fully take responsibility for his actions, and the victim must also be willing to let the mistake go.
Other netizens who participated in the poll also believed that the offending partner deserves a second chance because everyone makes mistakes. But Netizen Anna Loraine Buna said that it should only be given to someone who is earnest.
“Pwede mo naman bigyan ng second chance. Sa panahon ngayon, mahirap ngang magtiwala ulit kaya dapat ibigay mo lang siya sa taong sincere at deserving,” she said.
Alexajhane Pacete said that she will forgive and offer a second chance because nobody’s perfect. “Hindi naman tayo perpekto kasi maaaring any time, makakagawa din tayo ng mali,” she noted.
Netizen Franzynne Mines for her part, said “I am the kind of person na nagbibigay ng second chance because we’re only human. Wala namang mawawala if ibigay mo siya.”
In the relationship book “After the Affair”, author and clinical psychologist Janis Abrahams Spring, Ph.D. said that rebuilding trust and intimacy starts with the “willingness to hang in there and try again.” The book added that if this happens to your relationship, the best thing to do is to think very hard before you react to your partner.
There are also some netizens who believe forgiveness depends on the situation. August Leone said that a second chance might be okay, but if the partner is caught the second time around, it’s time to end it for real.
“Ang Diyos nga nagpapatawad, tayo pa kaya. Basta may sincerity, give them second chance. But if he is caught again, end the relationship without explanation,” she said.
Netizen Anabelle Zate Fernandez agreed, saying “Everyone needs a second chance pero kapag paulit-ulit na, pakawalan mo na siya.”
Diamond said that cheating once can be considered a slip-up, but twice or more is a pattern. Someone who constantly forgives the offending partner even after a third or a fourth incident may have a sign of co-dependency—which he said may be the one enabling the problem in the first place.
“Some see their own unequivocal commitment to the relationship and love for the offending partner as reasons for either overlooking such bad behavior or for giving them repeated chances to change,” he said.
Netizen Khloe Guine answered that it happened to her when she had a relationship with someone who had made cheating a cycle in their relationship. “I have given a lot of chances dahil mahal ko. Pero naging cycle na ang cheating niya and later on, nalaman ko na narcissist pala sya. I gave up on him kasi mas naawa na ako sa sarili ko. I chose to forgive him despite all the pain, but no more chances. It will never happen,” she said.
